I should probably start with a disclaimer - I am not a perfect parent. In fact, my failings could probably fill a book forget about a blog post. One day when my ego isn't so fragile, I'll write about that. But today is not that day. Today I want to share some of the things I did right, things that paid off and things that I believe made a difference in the trajectory of my daughter's life. I can't claim credit for all these ideas, most of them came to me from a variety of sources and places. That's kind of why I'm writing this post - maybe I can save someone else a little time and energy that they can put towards being with their kids. So here we go - my handy dandy parenting advice...
-Make a Plan: In an age where people endlessly plan out their day and their life, I'm always amazed at the people who put no thought into what kind of parent they want to be. Sure we can wing it day by day and probably get through it without a major catastrophe. But are we truly helping our kids be the best they can be? Are we really raising kids to be better, less damaged than we are? So my first piece of advice is to decide what being a good parent means to you. Then make a plan! And the coolest part is it's almost never too late to do this. If your kids are waiting to be born or they're here, you can still evaluate where you are and where you're going. Sure it gets harder to change course the older that your kids are, but it's not impossible and they are worth it.
-Educate Yourself: I had a rule when my daughter was little, that every day I'd spend 15 minutes reading a parenting book. I found that 15 minutes made a huge difference in the quality of my parenting. Sometimes it was because I was learning new techniques that helped me. Sometimes the books I read made me roll my eyes back so hard, I'm surprised they didn't stick. But it didn't matter, just the fact that I spent 15 minutes actively trying to improve, guaranteed that the other 23 hours and 45 minutes I was a more conscious parent. I was more likely to stick with my parenting plan, more likely to act, not react and more likely to be present in the moment.
-Look In the Mirror: This was the hardest part of being a parent, I hated it with a passion. But it was also the thing that made the biggest difference. Learning to own up to the fact that if my young child was misbehaving or acting out, I was probably the cause of it. If she was having a temper tantrum in the store; I'd probably dragged her to one place too many and skipped a badly needed nap. The reality is when you're dealing with young kids, they're usually reacting to the things we're doing, things they have no control over.Before you come down like a hammer on your kid, think about the way you might have contributed to their behavior. That's not to say that you let them get away with it, but own your part and try not to put your kid in that situation again.
- Say You're Sorry: There's this notion that being a parent means never saying sorry, never admitting weakness. But what does that really teach your kid? That you're the boss? That they aren't important enough to apologize to? Saying you're sorry shows them that you're strong enough to admit mistakes, that you respect them enough to apologize and ultimately they'll respect you more too. And guess what? They'll do the same to you. My daughter has frequently apologized to me for things she's said or done and not because I said. "Now say you're sorry". And by the same token, she's graciously accepted my apology and given me forgiveness that I didn't always feel I deserved, but appreciated nonetheless.
- Smile: There are so many ways to show our kids that they mean a lot to us. But one of the easiest ways is smiling.Think about when you walk into a room, and see someone you haven't seen in a while. That feeling when they see you and break out into a smile? Give that to your kids every time you see them. Even if it's only been a few hours, let them see your face light up - it's the best way to show them how happy they make you. It tells them, they are the best part of your day. It tells them "I'm so glad to see you!" It's one of the best way to raise their self esteem and make them feel valued. Sure there were some days when I was stressed, tired, cranky and I had to follow the "Fake it till you make it" rule. But here's the cool part, you give your kid that smile and I guarantee the one they give back to you will lift your spirits right away. So smile, you're on kid camera!
- Talk: My daughter and I took a lot of trips to Disney World. It was always a magical place to us. But here's a little secret I don't think my daughter has figured out yet. As much as I loved the trips with her, getting ready to go was always my favorite part. Starting a month or two before the trip my daughter and I would go for long walks in the evenings "training" to get us ready for all the walking we'd do at WDW. And yes it did help my daughter adapt but most importantly it was time for us to talk. We'd discuss what we'd do when we got there, what rides we'd ride first, and even what characters we wanted to meet. Those conversations were a real bonding experience for us. I learned a lot about my daughter, how her mind works, what's important to her, and what's not important at all. It doesn't have to be about Disney World, just find something that starts the conversation. Later on it was the Twilight books. I hated every single page of those books, but they were a great conversation starter for us on what makes a healthy relationship or an obsessive one. Kids will tell you a lot about themselves if you just get the conversation started - even if it's something as silly as a mouse or a vampire.
- Define Love For Your Kid: This may sound like a strange one, after all love is love right? Not exactly. Everyone has their own definition of love - even kids. Every kid is different. If you don't find out what their definition is, you can be wasting a lot of time and energy showing them love in a way they don't understand. I asked my daughter once what made her feel loved. It wasn't any of the things I expected like hugs, being told "I love you" or even getting presents. No, it was playing a game with her. That made her feel more loved than any single thing I could do. So we played a ridiculous amount of games when she was a kid. Find out what your child's "love definition" is and show it to them that way.
-Kids Are People Too!: Sometimes, despite our best intentions, things don't work out the way we hope. Because kids come to this planet with their own personalities, their own issues and their own lessons to learn. My mom was of the old school type of parenting where kids were seen, not heard and certainly never consulted. The result was I had no clue how to make a decision. I didn't even know what I wanted most of the time because that was usually decided for me by my mom. It was just the way things were done in her day. But I decided I was doing things differently. I followed all the suggestions in the parenting books. I'd chose the three outfits I approved of and let my daughter pick the one she wanted. Perfect right? Teaching my daughter to make decisions at a young age!! #Winning.... not exactly. I've got a kid who has the hardest time with decisions, gets overwhelmed with too many options and freaks out sometimes at the pressure. It drove me crazy for a long time. I felt like a failure. Walking out of restaurants because my daughter was overwhelmed by the menu felt like the worst kind of parenting. But I finally realized something. My daughter? is not me. She's her own person. She has her own quirks and idiosyncrasies. I can help her navigate them and figure them out. But ultimately it's her job to figure out how to make her life work. Sometimes the only thing you can do is give your child the tools, offer advice then get out of the way.
-The Year with Training Wheels: I didn't have a lot of freedom when I lived at home. And by that, I mean any freedom at all. When I moved out on my own, I had no idea how to handle all that freedom. It wasn't pretty. So when someone said that the 17th year should be treated like "adulthood with training wheels" that made a lot of sense to me. It's our job to raise our children to be responsible adults. But we've got to give them some practice at it, before they are actually out on their own. So when my daughter turned 17, I started to take a very hands off approach. There were no curfews, I trusted her decisions regarding where she went and with whom - but still made sure my phone was on, just in case. It took a little while and a few discussions; but eventually she realized that she needed to check in with me simply out of courtesy. She talking to me about decisions she was making and why. She even talked to me about trying alcohol for the first time. She realized that coming in at crazy hours made for a tough day at work. Now that my daughter is living in the dorms, I feel a lot more comfortable that she's not going wild. She's handling the responsibility much better than I did at that age - and in the end, isn't that what we really want for our kids? That they do at least a little bit better than we did?
So that's my handy list of parenting tips. I don't have a degree, I don't have a license, what I do have is a pretty amazing kid that fills me with pride every single day. Somehow I managed to stumble across the parenting finish line without doing irreparable harm to the single most important person in my life. She's a little bit smarter than I am, a lot more responsible than I was at that age, more motivated and focused. I think I did okay. So maybe these tips will help you too.
